Divorce can be a stressful and painful experience for everyone involved, but it can be especially hard on children. As a parent, you will want to do everything you can to protect your kids during this difficult time. While you probably won’t be able to completely insulate your children from your divorce, there are measures you can take to support them during the process. Here are 5 ways you can help your kids during divorce:
Keep Your Kids Out of Your Disputes with Your Ex
Emotions can run high during divorce, and parents sometimes let their frustration with each other control their actions. When parents choose to fight in the presence of their kids, it can cause them to have intense anxiety. The same is true when children are placed in the middle of disputes. Your children are already experiencing extraordinary stress because of the change in their circumstances. Exposing them to conflict or putting them in the middle will make matters worse.
Your family is going through a challenging transition, and your kids are looking to you and your ex for comfort and stability. Witnessing your conflict can exacerbate their negative emotions and make them feel as if they are to blame. You can support your kids by recognizing the impact your arguments and decisions can have on them and keeping them out of your disputes.
Don’t Talk About Divorce Issues or Your Ex Around Your Kids
Going through a divorce can thrust you into incredibly stressful and unpredictable conditions. In all likelihood, divorce issues will unexpectedly arise while your kids are present. There may also be times when you feel overwhelmed and need to process your feelings with a friend or loved one.
While it may not be possible to anticipate when these moments will happen, it’s important to consider where your kids are when you talk about the case or your ex. If they are present, your children probably listen more than you realize. Young children may not understand everything, but they can still feel the stress of the situation. Older kids may appear to be ok on the surface. However, they may be hiding how they feel to be strong for you or your ex.
Don’t underestimate the impact your words can have on your kids. Your children identify as being part of you both. Consequently, they may internalize your conflict or comments and believe they are to blame. You can help support your children by talking about the case of your ex out of their presence.
Take Care of Yourself
If you have ever been on a commercial flight, you have probably heard the attendant explain that adults need to put on their own oxygen masks before they can assist child passengers. The reason is so the adult can function and meet the child’s safety needs. The same concept can be applied to divorce—you need to take care of yourself to have what you need to provide comfort and support for your kids.
If you are struggling emotionally, it can be difficult to be fully present for your children. Do what you can to prioritize getting adequate sleep and nutrition and reach out to your support system when you need them. If you are having trouble processing your emotions, you may want to join a support group or see a therapist. Taking care of yourself can help you maintain the reserves you need to support your children.
Validate What You Can for Your Kids
Divorce impacts everyone in a family, and like you, your children are probably having several confusing and painful emotions. Their lives have been irreparably changed, and it may be difficult for them to process their experience and feelings.
This is a crisis for them, and you and your ex are their primary source of support and guidance. Pretending it’s not happening or being evasive about the topic could make matters worse. While you want to avoid telling your kids unnecessary case details and talking badly about your ex, you should be open to having some conversations about the divorce.
It may help if you let them know you are there for them and available to listen. They may need to tell you that they are scared or sad. In this situation, you could acknowledge their feelings and provide a safe space for them to talk. By letting your children know that you are there and validating their feelings, you can help provide stability and support.
Get Outside Help if Needed
For children, divorce can mean suddenly losing the only family they have ever known. They also have to deal with the insecurity that comes with learning that their parents’ relationship is over. Going through this experience can bring up lots of questions and strong emotions.
Your kids may need to talk with someone outside the situation to clarify and process their feelings about the divorce. It may help your kids to see a child therapist. You may also want to work with a family therapist who can help you and your kids transition during your divorce.
By getting outside help for your kids, you can provide them with the support they need to navigate this challenging time in their lives.
Contact an Experienced California Child Custody Attorney
Going through a divorce involving children can be complicated, and you will want to work with an attorney who understands what you and your family are going through. The attorneys at the Law Offices of Judy L. Burger are experienced California divorce attorneys who can help you during your divorce with children. We assist clients along California’s Northern to Southern Coast, including San Francisco, Beverly Hills, Marin, San Jose, Gold River, San Diego, Santa Barbara, Ventura/Oxnard, and surrounding communities. Call us at 415-293-8314 to schedule a private appointment or visit our website.